Think about a time when someone tried to give you advice, but you weren’t really listening.
It may not have been that their advice was wrong. It was more likely that the relationship wasn’t strong enough for you to receive it. Without trust, even the best advice can feel like pressure, criticism, or noise.
This is why connection comes before influence.
Over many years of working with young people, teachers, and mentors, one pattern has become very clear. The people who have the greatest positive influence are not always those with the most knowledge or authority. Instead, they are those who take the time to build genuine relationships. They listen, show interest and create a sense of safety, and because of that, people are far more open to their guidance.
Research into human development and neuroscience supports this idea. When people feel safe, seen, and heard, the brain is more receptive to learning, reflection, and change. When they feel judged or threatened, the brain shifts into a protective mode, making it much harder to influence thinking or behaviour.
In simple terms, people need to feel relationally secure before they are open to being influenced. This has important implications for mentoring across all ages:
- In classrooms, students are more likely to engage with teachers who show genuine care and interest.
- In families, children respond more positively when they feel understood rather than controlled.
- In workplaces, employees are more open to feedback when trust has been established.
- In everyday relationships, people are more willing to listen when they feel respected.
Connection is not a strategy to gain influence. It is the foundation that makes influence possible. This means that effective mentoring is not about having the right words at the right time, but about consistently building a relationship where the other person feels valued and understood.
Simple actions make a significant difference:
- giving your full attention in conversation;
- asking thoughtful questions;
- remembering small details about someone’s life;
- responding with patience rather than frustration.
These moments may seem small, but they build trust over time, and where there is trust, influence grows naturally.
It is also important to recognise that connection is not built in a single conversation. It develops gradually through consistent, everyday interactions, which is why mentoring is often less about big moments and more about small, repeated acts of encouragement and care. When connection is strong, influence becomes both natural and lasting. People are more willing to listen, more open to reflect and more ready to grow. In many cases, they begin to carry those same relational qualities into their own relationships with others.
Because of this, one of the most important questions any mentor can ask is not: “What should I say?” but rather: “How can I strengthen this relationship?”
When we focus on connection first, influence follows.
The Mentoring Matters Framework
This article is part of a series exploring The Mentoring Matters Framework, developed by Robin Cox.
The framework highlights three foundations of life-changing mentoring relationships:
Connection – Character – Calling
These foundations are supported by twelve practical mentoring principles that help people build meaningful relationships and encourage growth.
Explore the full framework.
Cover photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
